JUST FOR FUN. IF YOU HAVE ANY STORIES OR JOKES DROP US A LINE
TRIVIA
if you take an oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is is a person who invests all your money called a BROKER?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
What hair colour do they put on the driver's licence or passport of bald men?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed!
If Western mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons and forks, do Chinese mothers use toothpicks?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards - 'naive'
Questionable Quotations
A Conference - is the confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
A politician - is one who shakes your hand before an election and your confidence after.
Experience - is the name men give to their mistakes.
Etc. - is a sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
A smile - is a curve that can set a lot of things straight.
MODERN VERSION OF BIRTH
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a Cyber cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload from my hard drive, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall! And since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a littel Pop-Up appeared that said:
'YOU GOT MALE!'
This doesn't apply to us.............!!!!
Symptoms of being over 25
1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush" (worst still you don't go to the clubs)
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer /
basketball player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.
6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.
7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be alright for the DIY or in the garden.
8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.
9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspapers, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of most of the things that are in it.
10. You start to worry about your parents' health.
11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children.
13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.
14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.
15. You always have enough milk in.
16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.
18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.
20. You wish you had a shed.
21. You have a shed.
22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 4 TV channels" and "Not
in my day...."
23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has some really interesting guests on.
24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at rowdy school children.
25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.
26. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"
27. You understand the above and forward it to
your fellow aging friends.
THE WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
You require only 4 correct answers to achieve a pass grade. It's that easy!
1. How long did the 100 years war last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do you get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George V1's first name?
8. What colour is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Are you correct ? All you need is 4 correct answers.
ANSWERS TO THIS QUIZ.
1. The Hundred Years War lasted 116 YEARS.
2. Panama hats are made in ECUADOR.
3. You get catgut from SHEEP and HORSES.
4. The Russians celebrate the October Revolution in NOVEMBER.
5. Camel's hair brush is made of SQUIRREL fur.
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after DOGS
7. King George V1 first name was ALBERT.
8. The colour of a purple finch is CRIMSON.
9. Chinese gooseberries come from NEW ZEALAND.
10. The colour of the 'black box' is of course ORANGE
Hope you enjoyed this simple quiz. What do you mean, YOU FAILED. (so did I )
Let us have any other puzzles you know of that are as easy as this one.
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE!
Living on Earth is expensive! But it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long is a minute? It depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you had left open..
Birthdays are good for you! The more you have the longer you live.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have a great day and know that someone who thinks your great has thought of you today.
HAVING JUST REACHED THE 75th YEAR OF
LIFE, MY CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN
THOUGHT THEY SHOULD REMIND ME OF A
FEW FACTS ABOUT THE THIRD AGE.
quote " Ever notice, the older we get the more we're like computers? - We start out with lots of memory and drive then we become outdated, "CRASH" at odd moments, and eventually have to get parts replaced".
GRANDAD- As it's your birthday we're going to give you something that will brighten up your day.
A cake with lots of candles on it!
Ten phrases you hear as a mature gentleman -
Distinguished (very, very old)
Understanding (DULL)
Wise (Surely he must have learnt something by now)
Mature (He's starting to smell funny)
A lot of get up and go (Prostrate?)
Eccentric (Senile?)
Autumn Years (Work that out yourself)
Dapper (Dodgy dress sense)
Sprightly (Still able to move)
Respected (Scary)
Well that's all folks unless you have some funnies for us. Keep us posted.
Maths. Puzzle. IF
A + B + C + D = 20
A + B + 2C = 24
C + 3D = 16
2B + C + D = 18
What is the value of each letter?
answer provided below
A = 6. B = 4. C = 7. D = 3. Easy?
Subject: : Can you relate to these?
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah .
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
SO, Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading.
TEST FOR DEMENTIA
Below are four questions and a bonus one. You have to answer them instantly!
You can't take your time; you have to answer them straight away. OK
Let's find out how clever you really are.
READY! GO, scroll down the page.
First question.
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
Answer - If you answered that you were first, then you are absolutely wrong.
If you overtake the second person then you take their place and you are second!
Try not to screw-up next time. Now answer the second question.
But don't take as long as you did for the first one. OK
Second question.
If you overtake the last person? Then you are where...?
Answer - If you answered that you are second to last, then your wrong again!
Tell me how you overtake the LAST person?
You're not very good at this are you!
Third question.
Very tricky arithmetics! Note: - This must be done in your head only. Don't use paper and pencil or a calculator. TRY IT.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Now add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually - 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with your calculator.
Not you day is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right? Maybe!!
Fourth question
Mary's father has five daughters. 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini and 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Did you answer Nunu? No you were wrong! Of course it isn't!
Her name is
MARY isn't it. Read the question again.
BONUS QUESTION
A mute person goes into the Pharmacy and wants to buy a toothbrush!
By imitating the action of brushing teeth, the person was successful in
expressing their needs to the salesperson and the purchase completed.
Next a blind man comes into the shop and wants to buy a pair of sunglasses.
How does he indicate what he wants?
He just opens has mouth and asks! It's really that simple!
Like you?
Pass this on to frustrate the smart people in your life.
Senility! (no offence intended)
Just before the funeral services, the
undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented
.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
'And what do you think is the best thing about being
104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't
remember if I'm 85 or 92 Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness
club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But,by the time I got my
leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she
wanted her ashes scattered over the supermarket
car park. "Supermarket?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why a Supermarket?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the
wrinkles fill out.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, 'For fast relief.'
*THE SENILITY PRAYER: *
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never
liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones
I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Autumn in Carmarthen.
Early autumn in August when the leaves begin to fall
It's Wednesday once more to give Carmarthen a call
Pity it's wet but not to fret,a bus preferred to that of
Trains with veins of rain on the window pane.
Arriving in Blue Street passing through the pedestrian way
This county town so fair and breathing in the south westerly air
Now the market, the heart of Carmarthen with an atmosphere
Hard to beat
Having to fight for a seat
Round the stall
With the best food to eat.
Interesting people with such wonderful faces
I rate it the best of all Celtic places.
An artist I would like to be to paint you down for posterity.
Like vintage wine growing richer with the onset of time
Now that all this is said it is time for me to fetch my bread
Carmarthen ham, the best in the world, free range eggs and this and that
Admiring the antique jewellery at the stall close by
and not wanting to say goodbye.
Even with the rain Carmarthen makes the sun shine for me
Then if the market changes places it's the people that will
Keep their friendly faces and not change their social graces.
I'm not a Swansea Jack I was born in Carmarthenshire
Burry Port and that is a fact
This poem was written by an elderly gentleman who visits Carmarthen Market every Wednesday from Swansea.
on __________
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